The lady I was with tonight is pretty pissed at me. She said porn stars get paid thousands of dollars for anal and I didn't even bother to give her a warning. #oops #slipperywhenwet #wronghole #sorrynotsorry
2021-06-24 06:00:12 +0000 UTC View PostI used to date a girl who had a twin. People asked me how I could tell them apart. Sometimes it was difficult but Janet had a small freckle on her left cheek and Johnathan had a penis. Ps - if I'm not on your friends list or DO NOT SPAM list I should be. I was serious the other day when I said I would quit being a fan. Blocked and deleted 4 today.
2021-06-24 01:14:04 +0000 UTC View PostSo I made a joke a few days back about a boyfriend experience. I've had 2 creators DM me for pricing. I'm a hella good text buddy. I sleep maybe 5 hours a day because of my work so I'm good for all time zones. You want a BFE then tip me $10 and you will get the best week of texts ever. Just let me know the platform you wanna use to communicate in the DMs. For $20 you can have my real number. 😉
2021-06-23 19:34:13 +0000 UTC View PostI met a lovely lady last night. Although she was a little older than me at 57 she was very sexy and funny, she asked me if I fancied a Mother-Daughter threesome? I jumped at the chance,so we went back to her place, she took out her door keys and opened the door, turned on the light. And shouts out, "Mom are you still awake." 🤦
2021-06-23 14:29:22 +0000 UTC View PostLast night because I forgot to make a reservation at my normal hotel in Atlanta, so I stayed at a pretty pricey hotel. This morning, I was appalled when the desk clerk gave me a bill for $450.00. I requested to know why the charge was too high. "It's a nice hotel, but the rooms certainly aren't worth $450.00 for just an overnight stay! I didn't even have breakfast," I told the clerk. The clerk clarified that $450.00 is the standard rate. At that point, I insisted on talking with the manager. The manager showed up in her stuffy business suit looking down on me over the rims of her glasses and explained that the hotel "has an Olympic-sized pool and a huge conference center which are available for use." "But I didn't use them," I argued. "Well, they are here, and you could have," she replied. The manager proceeded with that I could likewise have seen one of the in-hotel shows for which the hotel is famous. "We have the best entertainers from the world over performing here," she said. "But I didn't go to any of those shows," I said. The manager replied, "Well, we have them, and you could have." After several minutes of arguing with her, I chose to pay. The manager was shocked when I gave the money to her. "But sir, this is only $50.00," she said. "That is right. I charged you $400.00 for sleeping with me." "But I didn't!" the manager shouted. "Well, too bad, I was here, and you could have."
2021-06-23 11:10:40 +0000 UTC View PostSome people don’t sleep because they have insomnia. I can’t sleep because I have onlyfans.
2021-06-23 04:23:25 +0000 UTC View PostPLEASE READ THIS ENTIRE POST EVEN AFTER THE JOKE Whenever I feel depressed in life.. I open my E-Mail spam inbox I find: * 10 banks are giving me easy loans. * I have won USD 500000 for unknown reasons. * 10 Job companies have best jobs for me. * 5 matrimonial sites have most suited matches for me. * Medical science claiming that they will enlarge my penis * And Approx 40-50 mails from different girls who are feeling lonely and want to date me. HOWEVER when I look at my OF mailbox all I see is "vote for me" "give me your hard cock daddy" etc etc I have ignored these for too long trying to be a good supporter but it caused me to miss a special request from a fan/friend. So this is warning 1. Please get me off your mass lists or I won't be a happy fan anymore. Thanks.
2021-06-22 23:23:02 +0000 UTC View PostThere once was a man whose given name was "Onestone", so named because he had only one testicle. He hated that name and asked everyone not to call him Onestone. After years and years of torment, Onestone finally cracked and said, "If anyone calls me Onestone again I will kill them!" The word got around and nobody called him that any more. Then one day a woman named Blue Bird forgot and said, "Good morning, Onestone." He jumped up, grabbed her and took her deep into the forest where he made love to her all day and all night. He made love to her all the next day, until Blue Bird died from exhaustion. The word got around that Onestone meant what he promised he would do. Years went by and no one dared call him by his given name until a woman named Yellow Bird returned to the village after being away for many years. Yellow Bird, who was Blue Bird's cousin, was overjoyed when she saw Onestone. She hugged him and said, "Good to see you, Onestone." Onestone grabbed her, took her deep into the forest, then he made love to her all day, made love to her all night, made love to her all the next day, made love to her all the next night, but Yellow Bird wouldn't die! And the important moral of this story? You can't kill two birds with one stone.
2021-06-22 18:18:03 +0000 UTC View PostI promised a few answers from my morning question: things you can say in bed and at a sports event. 1. It's in the hole 2. Good D 3. That was fast 4. May need a substitute for this one 5. Take that
2021-06-22 16:02:15 +0000 UTC View PostMy good friend @seductivecurves did a take on this game last week. I'm going to be busy today so relying on you for the funny. What's something you can say in bed and at a sporting event? I'll add some at lunch time.
2021-06-22 09:58:43 +0000 UTC View PostYou all seemed to like my Godfather stories so here is one about my Grandparents. Grandma and Grandpa were visiting overnight last week.. When Grandpa found a bottle of Viagra in my medicine cabinet, he asked about using one of the pills. I said, "I don't think you should take one. They're very strong and very expensive." "How much?" asked Grandpa. "$10.00 a pill," I replied. "I don't care," said Grandpa, "I'd still like to try one, and before we leave in the morning, I'll put the money under the pillow. " Later the next morning, I found $110 under my pillow. I called Grandpa and said, "I told you each pill was $10, not $110. "I know," said Grandpa. "The hundred is from Grandma!" Ok so not as true as the Godfather stories....but my Grandparents were real characters in their day.
2021-06-22 00:02:19 +0000 UTC View PostA priest was driving along and saw nun on the side of the road. He stopped and offered her a lift which she accepted. She got in and crossed her legs, causing the habit to open and reveal a leg. The priest looks and nearly has an accident, and after changing gear lets his hand slide up her leg. She immediately says, "Father, remember Psalm 129". The priest says sorry and removes his hand but is unable to remove his eyes from her leg. Further on when he changes gear and has ogled at her leg for the zillionth time he lets the hand slide up the leg again. The Nun once again says, "Father remember Psalm 129". Arriving at the convent the nun gets out and the priest goes on his way. Once he arrives at his church he rushes to the bible and looks up Psalm 129 and it said, "GO FORTH AND SEEK, FURTHER UP YOU WILL FIND GLORY" Moral of the Story: In your job should always be well informed or you may miss a great opportunity.
2021-06-21 21:58:30 +0000 UTC View PostPRO TIP FOR MY MALE FRIENDS I just spent 45 minutes in a -10⁰ freezer helping a client take inventory. I needed my hands free for calculations and I'm used to the cold. But...here is the tip....NEVER NEVER NEVER go p after spending time in the cold without warming your hands first. I've never seen my dick run and hide so quickly. Like a tortoise retreating in its shell. If it wasn't me....it'd be pretty damn funny.
2021-06-21 17:14:59 +0000 UTC View PostComing soon to a LIVE OF event on my page.....I bought 4 robot vacuums on Amazon Prime sales. 2 I will use in my house because the dog hair....but the other 2 will fight to the death live on my page real soon.
2021-06-21 14:26:37 +0000 UTC View PostOk.....I don't ask for much but it's Prime Day on Amazon today and tomorrow. I have a wish list (in my bio) that needs some love and if you don't want to spoil me with gifts send me a buck or 2 and I will buy my own gifts. I'm already sharing the love today dont miss out.
2021-06-21 13:09:11 +0000 UTC View PostI have decided that Sleeping alone is a waste of my sexual talent.
2021-06-21 09:59:19 +0000 UTC View PostSo after my last post I've gotten some really nice DMs. You people are great. But my Godfathers passing was expected and I had 50+ years to learn from him and enjoy his company. So don't feel bad for me. He left me his love of humor a small piece of land near land I already own and thousands of memories. Today was very cathartic for me as we read his will yesterday and it brought back memories. Thanks again for suffering through some bad jokes with me and the kindness. If anyone ever says a bad word about you guys I've got your back.
2021-06-21 01:11:48 +0000 UTC View PostLast story of the day not a joke but hopefully you can see where I get my love of humor...I hope you have enjoyed these as much as I have in the remembering of them. In my Godfathers last days he was in pain. Cancer had beaten him up pretty badly and he could not eat or drink. But his spirit remained strong. The last thing he said to me after I asked if he needed anything was "a beer and a blowup doll". I swear that man could make you laugh at the most inappropriate times. 🤣 😪
2021-06-21 00:18:43 +0000 UTC View Post1 more from my Godfather he was a college professor so sometimes his jokes made you think. Gonorrhea would have been a great name for diarrhea medicine.
2021-06-20 21:57:23 +0000 UTC View PostAnother of my Godfathers classics.....he told me this one the day he bought me some condoms I think I was 15....he had seen my at the CC pool getting "too cozy" with a girl and thought it was time. A man walks into a drug store with his son. They happen to walk by the condom display, and the boy asks, 'What are these, Dad? To which the man matter-of-factly replies, 'Those are condoms, son. Men use them to have safe sex.' 'Oh I see,' replied the boy pensively, 'Yes, I've heard of that in health class at school.' He looks over the display and picks up a package of 3 and asks, 'Why are there 3 in this package?' The dad replies, 'Those are for high school boys, ONE for Friday, ONE for Saturday, and ONE for Sunday.' 'Cool' says the boy. He notices a 6 pack and asks: 'Then who are these for?' 'Those are for college men,' the dad answers, 'TWO for Friday, TWO for Saturday, and TWO for Sunday.' 'WOW!' exclaimed the boy, 'Then who uses THESE?' he asks, picking up a 12 pack! With a sigh and a tear in his eye, the dad replied: 'Those are for the married men. ONE for January, ONE for February, ONE for March .
2021-06-20 17:16:57 +0000 UTC View PostAnother favorite of my Godfather.....he taught me this one when I was 9 or 10. A man kills a deer and takes it home to cook for dinner. Both he and his wife decide that they won’t tell the kids what kind of meat it is, but will give them a clue and let them guess. Of course, the kids are eager to know what the meat is. They ask their dad for the clue. “Well,” he says, “It’s what mommy calls me sometimes.” The little girl screams, “Don’t eat it! It’s asshole.”
2021-06-20 15:15:00 +0000 UTC View PostSo a peek behind the curtain this Father's day. My own father and I get along well but my Godfather and I had a special relationship. Because he was "family adjacent" he was able to teach me things a family member couldn't. Women, alcohol, strip club behavior and of course dirty jokes. He loved a dirty joke. So today, in honor of his recent passing I will tell some of his favorites. 1st one I remember he told me at age 6 or 7. What did the elephant say to the naked man? How do you breath through that thing?
2021-06-20 12:08:29 +0000 UTC View PostA guy walks into a bar and sees a sign hanging over the bar: Cheeseburger, $2.50; Chicken Sandwich, $3.50; Handjob, $10. Checking his wallet for cash, he walks up to the bar and beckons to one of the three exceptionally attractive blondes serving drinks to a group of men. “Yes?” she inquires with a knowing smile. “May I help you?” “I was wondering,” whispers the man, “are you the one who gives the handjobs?” “Yes,” she purrs, “I am.” The man replies, “Well, wash your hands, I want a cheeseburger.”
2021-06-20 11:25:13 +0000 UTC View PostWhen women wear bikinis they reveal 95% +/- of their body. I'm so polite that I only look at the 5% left covered up. 😉
2021-06-20 03:31:44 +0000 UTC View PostPinocchio had a human girlfriend who would sometimes complain about splinters when they were having sex. Pinocchio, therefore, went to visit Gepetto to see if he could help. Gepetto suggested he try a little sandpaper on his manhood and Pinocchio skipped away enlightened. A couple of weeks later, Gepetto saw Pinocchio bouncing happily through town and asked him, "How's the girlfriend?" Pinocchio replied, "Who needs a girlfriend?"
2021-06-20 01:16:04 +0000 UTC View PostSo I have friends from all over the globe so this one is for them. (Be nice if my translations are weak...im trying to be inclusive here) @melastarz @seductivecurves @horserider1 check my translations please. I’m on top of things. Would you like to be one of them? Je suis au top. Aimeriez-vous être l'un d'entre eux ? Estoy al tanto de las cosas. ¿Te gustaría ser uno de ellos? Ik zit bovenop de dingen. Zou jij een van hen willen zijn?
2021-06-19 22:57:31 +0000 UTC View Post
If you didn't already know....Im a big fan of beaver. Why do you think I'm here? But seriously if you have a Buc ee's near you you understand this post. I'm a little obsessed.
2021-06-19 18:21:33 +0000 UTC View Post
So if you follow me you know I am a Chuck Taylor fan. (Look for my pinned post for July's contest) I am also a believer that people, ALL PEOPLE should be treated with dignity and respect. I had these customs made just for Pride Month. I'm honored to be a friend and fan of some great LGBTQ creators and wanted them to see my new babies and know when I wear them I'm thinking of you guys.
2021-06-19 16:16:11 +0000 UTC View PostLittle Red Riding Hood was walking through the woods when suddenly the Big Bad Wolf jumped out from behind a tree and, holding a sword to her throat, said, "Red, I'm going to screw your brains out!" To that, Little Red Riding Hood calmly reached into her picnic basket and pulled out a .44 magnum and pointed it at him and said, "No you're not! You're going to eat me, just like it says in the book!" Have a great day folks
2021-06-19 09:59:55 +0000 UTC View PostWhy at 1am can I not get comfortable enough to fall asleep but at 6am any position is comfortable and I don't want to wake up?
2021-06-19 05:11:48 +0000 UTC View Post