Why does it take 100 million sperm to fertilize one egg? Because they won't stop to ask directions. Guess who missed his exit? Guess who was rocking out to ACDC and didn't hear the GPS? Guess who won't ask for directions and will ride around looking for a landmark.
2021-07-28 21:57:59 +0000 UTC View PostMy friend told me he got free backstage passes to see ZZ Top. My first thought was how how how how? Always loved that joke and that band. Sorry to hear of Dusty Hills passing today. There is a new bass player amongst the heavens today....with an excellent beard. One of these days I will tell the story of 1989 in the Omni in Atlanta...pot smoke so thick a contact high was inevitable even on the back row. Great show. 👍
2021-07-28 19:27:37 +0000 UTC View PostMy friend @feetcougar posted about Barbie's 85 birthday so this joke is for her. A little girl was in a store to buy a Barbie doll for her birthday. The shop owner said to her as a special treat you can choose another doll as well, Little girl says, can I have a GI Joe, shop owner says I thought Barbie came with Ken?, Little girl says no she comes with GI Joe, she fakes it with Ken.
2021-07-28 17:14:15 +0000 UTC View PostLast night my GF came to me wearing a sexy policewoman costume and said "You're charged with being good in bed." But after about two minutes the charges were dropped due to lack of hard evidence. FML. 🤦
2021-07-28 09:56:34 +0000 UTC View PostI overheard my neighbor say she had a shitty day, so I anonymously sent her a meat lover’s pizza She’s a vegan and I hate her fucking guts 3 pizza jokes in row? Guess who landed a new pizza client today? Kevin scratches the back that scratches his. 😀😂🤣
2021-07-28 01:00:13 +0000 UTC View PostI ordered pizza for dinner tonight and the clerk asked me if I wanted it cut into 4 6 or 12 pieces. You'd be happy to know I stuck to my diet plan and only cut it into 4 ...anymore would be too much.
2021-07-27 20:45:07 +0000 UTC View PostHow is pizza like sex? Even when it's bad...its pretty damn good.
2021-07-27 15:14:30 +0000 UTC View PostWhat do you call rough sex with chocolate candy? S&M&M&M Have a great day folks. Tip someone. Maybe two.. I recommend @seductivecurves and @xoxopriss516 That's where my money is going.
2021-07-27 09:54:46 +0000 UTC View PostI am very disappointed in myself. Since the summer Olympics got postponed a year, I had extra time to master ribbon gymnastics and didn't. 😪
2021-07-26 18:24:05 +0000 UTC View PostHow is a girlfriend like a laxative? They both irritate the shit out of you.
2021-07-26 15:14:45 +0000 UTC View PostLife is like a penis. Sometimes it gets hard for no reason.
2021-07-26 09:57:34 +0000 UTC View PostThis is a true love story. This may be a little different from my normal posts and it may be a little long but please bear with me I think you will find that it is worth it. At 1986 there was a television show called Miami vice it's on this show I saw for the 1st time my true love. She was beautiful she was blonde and she was way more lady than a 16 yr old boy could handle. But nonetheless I was in love. When my father had the opportunity to visit Miami for business I tagged alone and was able to see this blonde Italian goddess in person and the 1st time I saw her the hair stood up on the back of my neck my hands got clammy and I was speechless and all she did in her sexy Italian way was growl at me. From that moment on I was hooked I had a poster over at my bed and she was the subject of nightly fantasies for years. Boys grow up other ladies came and went from my life but somewhere deep down in the back of my head was was this gorgeous exotic sexual lady that all others were paling in comparison to. Friends, in Athens Georgia today at 4:30 p.m. I caught a glimpse of my boyhood fantasy across a crowded parking lot. She had aged a little bit but so have I. I could tell but she had not been treated well and that made me both sad and angry. I approached her carefully wondering if there was any way possible that she remembered this poor little 16 yr old boy whose heart she captured so many years ago. As I got closer I realized she was with another man. He did not treat her well he did not know how is how to pamper and spoil such a beautiful lady. It may not have been my place but I told him so and after a somewhat heated discussion he agreed to walk away and never see her again and let me get her the attention that she deserved let me give the pampering that she needed. My long lost crush was free to come into my life after a 35 year wait. I walked over to her to tell her the good news. I know it's odd but in that moment we connected and I got the faintest of growls from her and it was like I was 16 again. I am ecstatic and I hope you all can be happy for me. Tess isn't registered on OF so I'm not supposed to show her off but I have her permission so look at my cover photo and tell me she isn't the most beautiful lady you've ever seen.
2021-07-26 01:18:48 +0000 UTC View PostIf laziness was an Olympic sport. I'd come in fourth so I wouldn't have to walk up to the podium
2021-07-25 19:36:11 +0000 UTC View PostIn honor of the Olympics I bought an Olympic condom pack. They come in Gold, Silver and Bronze. When I asked my girl to choose one, she chose Silver. I asked why not Gold and she told me that she thought it was time for me to come 2nd for a change. 🥈🤦
2021-07-25 15:15:45 +0000 UTC View PostI rolled over to snuggle last night and forgot I live alone and fell out of the damn bed.
2021-07-25 09:57:44 +0000 UTC View PostYou know the best part of having a place out in the middle of no where? Peeeing in the middle of the yard instead of walking back inside. Life's simple pleasures are sometimes the best.
2021-07-25 02:33:18 +0000 UTC View PostI told my GF that the Dr recommended she try and suck out my kidney stones. After 3 days of trying she thinks I may have lied to her. 😉
2021-07-24 19:48:45 +0000 UTC View PostI told my girlfriend that I wanted her to let me know when she orgasms. She said she'd rather not call me while I'm at work. SMH 🤦
2021-07-24 15:16:21 +0000 UTC View PostI don't like it when people hate on McDonald's. "I care what goes in my body". Woman I have seen your boyfriends....you don't give a damn what goes in your body.
2021-07-24 09:56:36 +0000 UTC View PostLaw Of Reverse Dynamics: When A Man Becomes Rich He Becomes Naughty & When A Woman Becomes Naughty. She Becomes Rich
2021-07-23 17:19:53 +0000 UTC View PostI was masturbating this morning and my hand fell asleep - that's got to be the ultimate rejection.
2021-07-23 09:56:16 +0000 UTC View PostSeveral years ago, Great Britain funded a study to determine why the head on a man's penis is larger than the shaft. The study took two years and cost over 1.2 million pounds. The study concluded that the reason the head of a man's penis is larger than the shaft is to provide the man with more pleasure during sex. After the results were published, France decided to conduct their own study on the same subject. They were convinced that the results of the British study were incorrect. After three years of research at a cost of in excess of 2 million Euros, the French researchers concluded that the head of a man's penis is larger than the shaft to provide the woman with more pleasure during sex. When the results of the French study were released, I decided to conduct my own study. I didn't really trust British or French studies. So, after nearly three hours of intensive research and a cost of right around 75 dollars (three cases of beer and a dirty magazine), my study was complete. I concluded that the reason the head on a man's penis is larger than the shaft is to prevent your hand from flying off and hitting you in the forehead. HAVE A GREAT NIGHT FOLKS. BE KIND TO ONE ANOTHER. TIP SOMEONE.
2021-07-23 02:00:47 +0000 UTC View PostThree things I cannot stand: * stupid people * judgemental people * double standards * people who can't count * lists * irony
2021-07-22 19:34:33 +0000 UTC View PostThe biggest difference between men and women is what comes to mind when the word 'Facial' is used.
2021-07-22 15:12:28 +0000 UTC View PostI hate double standards... Hell I hate standards, I'd have sex with alot more women if they didn't have them.
2021-07-22 09:56:18 +0000 UTC View PostA woman walks into a sex shop She slowly walks up to the cashier at the counter and asks "d-d-d-d-d-do you s-s-s-s-sell d-d-d-d-dildos?" The cashier responds. "Yes we do" The woman says "d-d-d-d-do you s-s-s-s-sell b-b-b-b-big d-d-d-d-dildos that c-c-come wit-with a vi-vi-vi-vibrator?" Once again the cashier responds "Yes we do" The woman says "d-d-d-d-do you n-n-n-n-n-know h-h-h-h-h-h-how to t-t-t-t-turn them off?"
2021-07-22 02:02:37 +0000 UTC View Post67% of women have used vibrators The other 33% have brand new ones Which one are you ?
2021-07-21 19:35:27 +0000 UTC View PostSometimes my mind wanders. Sometimes it just walks off the job completely. And it's most likely the fault of this platform. 🙃😉🤣
2021-07-21 15:13:05 +0000 UTC View PostActions prove who someone is. Words just prove who they pretend to be.
2021-07-21 09:57:55 +0000 UTC View Post
I wanted my 1st post of the day to be a birthday greeting to the woman who has brought so much joy into my life. Without her my life would have literally taken a different course. My beautiful and sexy angel @kloutkiki Happy birthday. I hope you are having a great time today and I can't wait for you to be safely back home.
2021-07-21 04:01:47 +0000 UTC View Post