The guy was in the store buying a fake Christmas tree. The shop attendant asked him, "Are you going to put that tree up yourself?" *The guy replied, "Don't be disgusting! I'm going to put it in the living room!"*
2023-12-24 14:00:11 +0000 UTC View Post
If a tree falls in the forest and no one is around to hear it… *…then my illegal logging business is a success*
2023-12-23 13:00:08 +0000 UTC View Post
85%of people in North America don't know basic math. *Thanks God I'm from the other 25%* These panties are 25% off! 😉
2023-12-22 13:00:08 +0000 UTC View Post
Why don’t women wear skirts in the winter? *They will get chapped lips.*
2023-12-21 13:00:08 +0000 UTC View Post
My girlfriend just broke up with me for talking about video games too much... *What a stupid thing to Fallout 4.*
2023-12-20 13:00:11 +0000 UTC View Post
I once had 4 blowouts at once, but managed to drive on the metal of my rims from New York to New Jersey. I did pretty good, but the hero of the moment was my car. It worked tirelessly.
2023-12-19 13:00:10 +0000 UTC View Post
Back in the day, excessive use of commas was considered a very serious crime. *It usually resulted in a long sentence.*
2023-12-18 13:00:38 +0000 UTC View Post**StepSis Double Countdown JOI** Oh hey there step-bro. Staring at me again huh? What would your wife think if she knew you were such a filthy pervert? You better convince me not to tell her. Take your cock out- Stroke it for me. Lets have some fun- How long have you been dreaming about what my tits look like? If you blow a nice be load for me when I count you down, I’ll let you see them. I demand every last drop though- Even if that takes 2 countdowns and a hell of a lot of teasing. Don’t let me down. Blow it all on my ass. ***TIP 77 on this post to receive this video in your DM's!***
2023-12-18 08:00:12 +0000 UTC View Post
What do you call it when you put syrup in the washing machine? *A viscous cycle*
2023-12-17 13:00:10 +0000 UTC View Post
I just got over my addiction to chocolate, marshmallows and nuts. *If I'm honest, it was a Rocky Road.*
2023-12-16 13:00:11 +0000 UTC View Post
What does an English pimp do, after having tea and crumpets? *Tally Hoes.*
2023-12-15 13:00:13 +0000 UTC View Post
What do monkeys and chainsaws have in common? *They both fuck up trees!*
2023-12-14 13:00:14 +0000 UTC View Post
How does a genome eat ice cream? *Helix it* How about you give me a lick? 😈
2023-12-13 13:00:10 +0000 UTC View Post
I was having trouble with my laptop, so I called Apple support. *They asked, 'Have you tried disabling cookies?' I said, ‘Well, I once bit the legs off a gingerbread man.'* **If you’re into legs and feet, you're not going to want to miss these pictures!**
2023-12-12 13:00:09 +0000 UTC View Post
Why don't pirates travel on mountain roads? *'Scurvy*
2023-12-11 13:00:11 +0000 UTC View Post
TIL when some beers pour, they make a distinct melody. *I would try use math to predict which, but I have never been good with lager rhythmic functions.*
2023-12-10 13:00:13 +0000 UTC View Post
Why should you never mess with an Italian pastry chef? *Because he'll beat the foccacia.*
2023-12-09 13:00:12 +0000 UTC View Post
How does Rob Zombie make brownies? *EGGS, milk and flour and BAKE, for half an hour and FROST, with the back of my SPATULA!*
2023-12-08 13:00:14 +0000 UTC View Post
Why is C the only good letter in the English alphabet? *Because the others are Not-Cs*
2023-12-07 13:00:11 +0000 UTC View Post
Tinder hookups are like microwave dinners. *Done in 2 minutes, looks nothing like the picture, but just good enough to make you come back for more when you are desperate and nothing better is available*
2023-12-06 13:00:09 +0000 UTC View Post
I typed “ninjas” into the online dictionary. It said “ninjas cannot be found.” *Well played ninjas, well played.*
2023-12-05 13:00:09 +0000 UTC View Post
A naked woman robbed a bank in broad daylight *She wasn't caught, cause no one from the bank remembers her face.*
2023-12-04 13:00:10 +0000 UTC View Post
How do you make a candle really happy? *Give it a blow, it’ll be delighted.*
2023-12-03 13:00:10 +0000 UTC View Post
What starts with 'p' ends with 'orn' and plays a major role in the film industry? *Popcorn!*
2023-12-02 13:00:10 +0000 UTC View Post
When I was 6, Santa gave me coal for Christmas, so the next year I decided to get back at him and poison his cookies. **Somehow, the bastard found out and killed my dad.**
2023-12-01 13:00:11 +0000 UTC View Post
Animal shelters must hire the worst people. Everyone is always trying to rescue cats and dogs from there. You won't need any rescuing when I'm sitting on your face though-
2023-11-30 13:00:13 +0000 UTC View Post
Why does pirate likes to eat pie? *Because PIE RATING is in their job description.*
2023-11-29 13:00:15 +0000 UTC View Post
"May you live as long as you want and not want for as long as you live." That's an Irish toast. "Cinnamon, eggs, bread, and maple syrup." That's a French toast.
2023-11-28 13:00:15 +0000 UTC View Post
On Cyber Monday, I got a great deal on a threesome porno It was a 2-in-1 special
2023-11-27 13:00:20 +0000 UTC View Post
Why couldn’t the teddy bear finish his birthday cake? *He was already stuffed!*
2023-11-26 13:00:22 +0000 UTC View Post