I would’ve liked to do a video on this but I’m not sure how ..

I would’ve liked to do a video on this but I’m not sure how my thoughts will round out or if even I’d come to a conclusion. Some of the things we do in life, are against even our own good judgement. We know it’s wrong. We know the outcome won’t be good. We know there are risks and consequences. I know this. I do this and test the limits all the time. I always have. I don’t know if my problem has just always been some crazy need to find adrenaline. Or a terrible fear of missing out. It’s getting worse as I get older. I’ve challenged some serious rules over the last couple of years. I’ve got stories I can’t tell, I’ve been places I shouldn’t have gone. I have been like this as long as I can remember. The first time I ran away from home I was three. My grandparents had been vital caregivers to me as a baby, and around that age my mom and them got into a huge fight. I remember watching them screaming at each other in the kitchen of my grandparents house. She was disowned and we didn’t see them again for a long time. At some point, shortly after we had moved into our new house, I woke up early and got my doll (Tammy McGee) and left. My mom caught up to me at the end of our alleyway. I told her I was going to see my oma. Years later they must’ve patched things up because we started getting visits from them again. They would tell stories about the aunts and uncles, and cousins that we didn’t talk to. I would get upset when I heard them brag about my cousin, and it was in grade 2 where I can identify I first felt jealousy. When they would leave I would get sick for two days prior. Scream crying/hysterical. Telling my parents I was going with them. This was every time, whether we visited them or they visited us. I have run away my entire life. I lived in a remote bc town where there’s no highway left and as a teenager I would try to hitchhike out of there, every time I felt upset. I don’t know what I think I’m running away to, that’s better or easier than dealing with what’s in front of me. I think I’m programmed at this point to run/block/delete, compartmentalize for a few days and then forget. I’ve got a backlog of like 5 deaths, and two breakups I have yet to process. If I dealt with it all at the time I wouldn’t have to deal with it one day. How do you attack or diffuse your problems? I’ve been out with my friend since this morning’s post. We each went home for a rest and will be going out for bowling tonight. For some reason I feel like being open and out and among people might be good for me, usually when this happens I want to disappear forever and never be seen again. I absolutely promise that I will be responding to every message. I am reading them as I need to, when my sads hit the worst, and I can’t even describe how it feels to hear people reaching out and sharing, and cheering me on.