A little talk/update. First off I hope you had a lovely week..

A little talk/update.
First off I hope you had a lovely weekend. If in the US, preparing to be safe for the 4th!
There might be some triggers (thoughts, feelings, etc) so be aware before reading. Just wanna keep everyone safe <3

I know I disappointed and disappeared a lot this month. It went by so fast and I was slugging behind. The past couple weeks have been very heart heavy. It's no secret to anyone (lmao) that I uhhh.. deal with a lot of mental strife. The past two weeks every time I close my eyes I am berated with intrusive thoughts that I have a furrowed brow and maybe tears trying to ignore and focus on falling asleep. It's completely how I imagine confusion damage would happen 😅 coupled with nightmares I've had all my life, waking up in sweats, sleeping only half the night.
I look in a mirror or a photo and I think, that is not me. Except it's been the worst case of depersonalization I've had in years. I am scared of everything, everyone. I don't trust people I once thought friends. I am using likely coincidences to justify the "logic" behind me being isolated. That I am the weird one and I will always be left behind. I am the one trespassing in this life, while I see everyone belong. Sometimes I think certain thoughts and I have to double back like wait.. do I really think that? Yes! No..? But those thoughts are so real regardless. I've been dissociating and over 4+ hours later it's noticed, and I see how much time has passed of me sitting. The rhyme and reason is lost on me.

I don't wanna go in depth too much about the real emo stuff but I haven't wanted to be here. I am lonely. No one messages ME, my messages go ignored, I've been hurt by people who I considered friends a lot the past couple years. As someone who kept no close distance to people before I hit 20, it made me wanna go right back to it. Pain is every day but I wouldn't be adding to the arsenal of what is wrong with me. I have these really disturbing thoughts on.. well... su*cide. I will not clarify more but it's just really sad. The one thing I'm not scared of. I'm "safe" but crawling day to day. So. Fucking. Tired. All the time, and my lack of appetite doesn't help.
I'm in the tub writing all this, and I know damn well I didn't speak about everything LOL I'm just losing my thoughts again.

I'm really sorry. I wanna be better. I wanna be as consistent as I use to be but better. Idk what's wrong with me. I hate my body, I hate everything I wear, I am in utter disbelief that any part of me is attractive and not cringe. I've been sitting on photos that I just am scared to look at. Putting on makeup and a dress just sounds like a hassle which is SO DUMB..? UMMGFMFG??!?!
I need to reinstate talk therapy, but god, I do not wanna talk. I feel frustrated thinking about yapping about woe is me and my life AGAIN AND AGAIN. Again and again and again! I should write a book and just send it to potential therapists to read first. Speaking of yapping, here I am. Idk if this is a good idea, if yall wanna hear local egirl whine. I just can't keep secrets when it affects my performance like this, ya know?

I bought a calendar, it's a desk one. Idk the significance yet but I will think about that lmaooo

Thank you for reading, sticking around, purchasing things regardless 😭 this is still my main job, I've thought quitting, part time, but I cannot imagine anything else making me more excited. I am NOT the .01% or even close so that may help ya estimate LOL. I stick to myself, i never ask for clout boosts all these years, so im not very popular considering. I desperately need a vacation but will forever exist in not being able to afford it. Notice how i never go.. ANYWHERE?!??! Not that i was ever invited before lmao... oop! Kick my fricken butt. Imma end this, I SCRIBBLED ENOUGH AND IM LOSING STRUCTURE
I LOVE YOU.