The past few days have been very difficult for me. Usually, ..

The past few days have been very difficult for me. Usually, I just say I've been "sick", but in reality I am in tremendous pain. I suffer with chronic pain and have been on and off pain medication for years. Some of you have watched my video about depression and what it's like when I go off of my meds. I just recently had to go back on my meds due to my chronic pain returning to an intolerable level and I also get muscle spasms so I have to take Ativan for that and for my anxiety. I don't like being medicated, but it's a "less of two evils" type situation. If I don't take the medication, I can barely function. In fact, even when on the meds, like today, I can barely function. This is why it takes me a bit longer sometimes to finish custom orders. This year has been an epic struggle not only with actual illness, but also trying to manage my pain and spasms. I have not gotten a decent night of sleep the past 3 weeks because of the spasms. Even with the meds, sometimes they aren't enough. I promised you all never before seen content and this is part of it. You get the chance to know me better and this is a huge part of me that I never share with anyone who isn't in my immediate circle... until now. Please bear with me while I deal with these bad days in which I just want to fling myself into oncoming traffic just to try to numb the pain. The pain is also why I tend to drink more than the average person because it's one of the only things that decreases the pain and spasms. Even the hangovers don't feel as bad as the pain and spasms do. The weekend and today have been extremely painful for me and I have been doing my best to manage it as best I can, but sometimes all I can do is sit with my legs up and pray for it to stop. I am doing everything I can to get better so I can get back to filming because that really is my TRUE passion. Believe me, I would MUCH RATHER be filming and making exciting content for my fans than dealing with the level of pain I have to deal with. I'm not looking for sympathy, just want to share more about myself so you can get to know me better. I hope you are all doing well and recovering from the holiday better than I!!