I am trying very hard not to be a downer or negative this ye..

I am trying very hard not to be a downer or negative this year, but some days I tell you what. If you don't want to read this I understand completely, but I need to vent very badly and right now I have no one. I am feeling so overwhelmed and frustrated. Over the course of my life I have always taken care of everyone around me, including my own mother, but in my times of need it seems I always have no one. Right now, that is once again true. My mother was never there for me during my greatest times of need... and I mean times when it was life or death, literally. If you've been reading My Story, you have learned some things about my mom and her lack of being an actual mother. For years I called her by her first name because I refused to allow her to have the label of "mother". You have to be an actual mother to earn that. She is having knee surgery next Tuesday and here's the kicker. Although never there for me even when I was literally near death, I am now all she has to take care of her for knee surgery. Her place has stairs and mine doesn't so she has to come stay with me. I am giving up my bedroom, my bed, etc, so she will be comfortable, all while dealing with a shoulder that is not only excruciatingly painful, but that also isn't working properly. I can't even lift the weight of my own arm. Not because of pain or weakness, but it just simply won't do it. Like it's paraly zed. It's not, but it kind of feels that way. So, here I am, bawling in my kitchen damn near having a panic attack because I have all this shit I need to do to get my place ready for her, yet when I needed her throughout my life she couldn't be bothered. And it is weighing on me very heavily and bothering me a great deal. I guess you guys get to be my diary of sorts. I need to vent his stuff to someone and right now I literally have no one. I won't burden my poor daughter with any of this as she has enough of her own stuff going on and she is pregnant. Anyway, I'm just feeling low and alone. Going through so much and doing it all alone as usual. I've never really had anyone so I should be used to it, but the older I get the more of a toll it takes on me. Thanks for listening if you even read this far. I will be ok. I will get it all figured out. But, for right now, I need a pity party and wish I had some physical help with all the shit that needs to be done and none of it is actually for me. It's all for the woman who brought me into this world and then made me fend for myself.