A year ago today I spent Christmas alone. It was just me and..
Added 2020-12-26 05:58:34 +0000 UTCA year ago today I spent Christmas alone. It was just me and Rue in our place in Hollywood. I was in one of the darkest states of depression I’ve ever been in. I know, this year, for many of us, we are spending the holidays in a way we never really anticipated. 2020 has been a good analogy to life’s unexpected ways. It’s better to ride the waves. Yeah, I had to pack up my stuff, have my sister help me move out, and drive back across country having “failed” in LA. In January I told all of my agents to stop booking me. The apathy was insane—honestly it was terrifying. I had absolutely no desire to do anything anymore. I couldn’t see a way out of the darkness. I know I’ve been open about my mental health and bouts of suicidal ideation before but this time, this was a feeling of absolute nothingness. This was one black hole I hadn’t ever been in before. 2020 kicked all of us around and made us shift our focus and perspective. And I know. I know it still feels rough and it’s hard and it gets dark so early right now and I know you want your life back and to see your friends. I want you to know that YOU WILL and things will get better and it will be worth it. So please. Please stick around because we still need you here earth side. I couldn’t see where I’d be on December 25, 2020 one year ago today. If I had a picture from Christmas 2019 it would be me, alone, in a dark room, in bed, with Rue, surrounded by Kleenex, trying to force sleep by any means possible. This year...well, look at the picture. Look at the light that’s come into my life. I PROMISE you. I know life is hard sometimes. So, so damn hard. But life is also so beautiful. And we are here to learn and experience the depth of every emotion we are capable of feeling as humans. Sending you love wherever you are. Be kind to yourself. Keep going.
